PROJECT R in session #13 EightLeggedGemini

EightLeggedGemini

i would like to thank Vic https://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/ for inviting me to share in this, a series of eight questions; and for being lenient with it’s deadline.
i’m not very good with explaining myself sometimes and so look at this as a bit of an excercise in structured thought.

          1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

A. Love Is Eternal.
i think the love we feel is merely a dirty material ripple of the Absolute Truth which is True Love.
everything moves by attraction, whether by magnetism or other means.
some relationships just aren’t meant to be.
a failed relationship is when you can’t remain friends after. i think i’m lucky enough to be on talking terms with the women that i’ve shared my time with, although some had painful endings, everything was for the best eventually.
of course when Any relationship ends, there are questions we ask of ourselves, whether it’s our fault, was there anything else we could do, was it true love?

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

A. i enjoy my own company.
my flaws have earned me respect somehow. there aren’t many people in this town who share or even understand my opinions, my friends are just happy that i’m happy

but then, while i’m not single i’m in a different frame of mind. almost as if i split myself into two time zones. the introspective me and the me that i project publicly. i wonder if i can sustain a long term relationship with a woman. i’ve gone years at a time without sharing a bed. the longest relationship i’ve had is two years.
no, there is nothing wrong with those who prefer solitude, maybe they give their love more widely thru altruistic activities etc

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

A. i like to think that i’m romantic; and reciprocated romance is fulfilling   but if i was single i’d say it’s not the be all and end all.
i cook and buy choccys for my woman, i remembered her birthday and bought her something she wanted and loves
relationships inspire romance, or they should if they’re to last. but apparently not all women like flowers.

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

A. no i’m not half the equation. Love is eternal, every soul is eternal. every soul is related to the SuperSoul. every soul is on its own journey of discovery.
it’s possible for any two souls to be soulmates under the right circumstances.
the problem is that our spiritual souls are covered by temporary material bodies full of ego and the desire to enjoy our senses. in fact, if reincarnation is a fact; it’s possible that i have been your mother, brother, sister, father, daughter, son and lover. i may have been your pet, you may have been mine. it’s also possible that me and you, Vic, and you, dear Reader, have been soul mates in a previous life, or maybe in our future lives.
it’s possible that i’ve lived lives without meeting a soulmate.

          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

A. it probably helps to love or respect yourself first, as the saying goes; always smile in public, you never know who might fall in love with your smile, nobody falls in love with a frown.
true love includes the ability to let go, which is a rare thing. not sure if i’ve ever seen it away from parents letting their children become adults.
i met a woman who never smiles, she seemed broken, so i set her up with a like minded man and they both smile now   neither ever respected themselves until they met and realised the bigger picture.

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

A. it’s possible to find contentment in other accomplishments.
we all have our own paths to view and choose, i call this The Damascus Blues.
but i’ve noticed that at least with my brain and ego, it’s harder to think straight whilst in the grip of love.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

A. perhaps. but even those that are in a relationship may harbour difficulties with expression. for instance i find it easier to write my thoughts than say them, there’s time for deliberation   (but also confusion somehow)
i have a great relationship with those that are a part of my life and yet even still i may have my quiet moments where i find it hard to express my self.

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

A. this is definitely a worthwhile project!
we met due to a project by OpiniatedMan, which i didn’t take part in, though i admired the project i wasn’t ready to create a structured blog and truth be told, i’m still not. that’s why this is late. in the end my apathy was beaten by your thoughtful questions that i’ve struggled to answer truthfully.
This has been a great exercise for me although i’ve deleted lots of thoughts (i digress easily) they’ve taught me of myself; so thoroughly worthwhile!!

PROJECT R in session #11 Iuli

          1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

Me: A failed relationship can be a great opportunity to start a new and better relationship. Like the saying “All evil is for good”. A successful one is worth making compromises for. The fact that my ex relationship failed was the best thing that could have happened to me.

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

Me: I am much more comfortable in a relationship than on my own. There is not necessarily something wrong with the people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships. Some of them may simply have not met the right person and are clever enough not to lose their time with someone that does not meet their requirements. Yet again, some of them may be afraid to commit for different reasons.

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

Me: I do require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled. No career compares to the love of your loved one.

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

Me: I hope everyone finds their soul-mate as I believe I found mine. Maybe in a few years I will feel different, but the fact that I felt this for a second/minute/hour/day/week/month/year means the world to me.

          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

Me: I don’t know what to say. I usually put the loved ones in front of my own self.  I believe it is important to love yourself in the sense that loving yourself means requiring respect from the other one.

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

Me: Of course it is possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments than marriage and children. It is not probable, yet possible.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

Me: I think being in a relationship has nothing to do with ‘people skills’ in general.

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

Me: If it helps at least one person in any way, it is definitely worthwhile!!

 

PROJECT R in session #10 Sreejit Poole

Sreejit Poole: http://theseekersdungeon.com/

Learning to Love

For the past twenty years, I have lived as a celibate monk in the ashrams of Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma), known the world over as, The Hugging Saint.  I often write love poems to her on my blog, because for all these years she has been the all and all of my life.  Many can relate to my poems because whether it is with a lover or a master, the bond of love can be all encompassing.  It is a commitment that, like any relationship, runs hot and cold and therefore requires constant attention and nurturing.

Many talk of soul mates in this world, and to be sure my logical side often scoffs at even the concept of a soul mate. Sometimes it is even hard for me to take the concept of love as a real thing.  It is easier for me to think of love as a verb rather than a noun; a way of treating someone rather than an actual state of being.  But then, when I think of Amma, I realize that I would call her as nothing less than my soul’s mate.  When I think of Amma, I realize my purpose on this planet is, as the motto goes, “To Love and Serve.”

Over the years that I’ve spent in the ashram, I’ve seen many come and go.  But I would call none a failure, for any time that is spent in spiritual practice is time that has made this life worthy.  What is there in this world that is more worthwhile than love.  At the end of the day, the time we’ve spent loving is the time we can be most proud of.  So much that we do stems from love, whether it is working a grueling job to put food on our or our family’s table, or doing charitable work, it is all a reflection of love. Even when there are falling outs, the time that was spent “in-love” is never a waste.

Many don’t want to give up their freedom and so go the single route.  That is fine, but to truly live the human experience I believe that at some point we have to learn selflessness.  Having a wife, husband and/or kids is often the quickest way to learn about living for someone other than ourselves.  As long as we are only living for ourselves, we will feel something lacking but the moment we put in time for another’s happiness, and it certainly doesn’t have to mean a committed relationship, we become more expansive.

Some will say that I am missing out by living an ashram life.  That sexual attraction and romance make the world turn.  But it doesn’t matter who you are, in every relationship eventually the excitement will cool.  Only at this time does the committed portion of the relationship begin.  Only after the “honeymoon period” has ended do we really learn what love and commitment are all about.

Project R can be a meditation for all of us.  To really go within and ask ourselves what does it mean to love.  As Amma often tells us, “The correct statement is not ‘I love you,’ but ‘I am love.’”  Let us all walk the world knowing that “we are love.”

PROJECT R in session #9 Jessica Masters

Jessica was born and raised as a nomad, with such places she temporarily called home that included Gladstone, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, London, UK, and now New York City. After getting a BA in English Language and Literature with a minor in writing, she also received an MA in English Renaissance and Early Modern Studies at the University of London, Queen Mary. She works full-time in the higher education sector and keeps a blog in her spare time.

For more life stories please visit her blog ‘Sequins and Bobby Pins’ at www.sequinsandbobbypins.com or follow her on twitter @mastersje

email: mastersje@gmail.com / facebook: http://facebook.com/mastersje

After several failed relationships and thus far a successful one, I think that love means multiple things. Love means acceptance of one another, but more importantly, acceptance of yourself. Love means encouragement to be a better person.

Unsuccessful relationships for me have been ones where I thought that I could change someone to be a better person, or a more attractive person physically or mentally.

There were times where I would date ‘projects’ and decide that it was up to me to ‘save’ them. It never worked out because I discovered, I was the one drowning as well. I never realized that I needed to save myself. The relationships floundered because we were both drowning in our own issues and thought we could and needed to help the other person.

Using partners as therapists can also take a toll on relationships. I used to do that before I met my current partner. Just because someone says that they love you for you, doesn’t mean that they can handle being with you and also cure you of your darkest thoughts. I went through relationship after relationship without realizing the burden I was putting on my partner by not going to see a therapist.

I think that after every relationship ended, I always thought and obsessed over how I was a failure and what I could have done to save it. I also was in denial and would tell myself that they couldn’t handle me, good or bad, than they weren’t right for me. I think the most liberating thing is after a long and painful end to a relationship, taking stock in the things that you like and self-discovery—who you are individually, and not defined by another, is the best cure to find someone perfect for you.

I will argue though that it isn’t until a traumatic breakup that you ever really get to know yourself. Many people think that they know themselves or that they can discover self-love whilst in a relationship, but I do not think that it is actually possible. If you are in a relationship, you are altering yourself to be loved by someone else. This is not self-love. Even after a relationship ends (and usually you are not the one ending it), there will be a certain length of time where you think that you are ‘self-discovering’ or developing ‘self-love,’ but again you are only changing to get the person back. There’s a desperate moment (or few months) after the breakup where you do things that you would never do, but you will only have self-love if you discover that it doesn’t matter what your ex will think of the new you.

I don’t think (though this is just my opinion) that self-love is letting something go. I think that is more ‘selfish’. Don’t misunderstand me, being ‘selfish’ is important and sometimes necessary in a relationship.I do think that there are moments in a relationship with someone who isn’t helping themselves, where you have to be selfish and think about the toll that the bad relationship is taking on YOU. Selfishness can lead to self-love, but again, I do not think that you can self-love until you are truly alone and do not have a relationship to hide behind.

Make a list of all the things that you like(d) to do by yourself or a list of things that someone, in order to be with you, would need to do with you. Sometimes it is even easier to make this list if you think of all of the things you used to love before your relationship or all of the things that your former partner wouldn’t do with you. This really helped me get over a former partner, and also find the motivation to get to know myself.

Self-love will lead you to a better relationship because you finally know yourself and love or accept yourself. And each failed relationship is really a learning experience. You also will discover what doesn’t work for you. Creating a list will help you get over those weak moments when you think you want someone back who wasn’t right for you. They are out there waiting for you to love yourself, and I honestly believe that.

One final thought, know that you do not need to fight your demons alone. See a therapist, or talk to someone who is not biased about your issues. By doing this, you will have a better relationship with someone when you are ready. Self-love often develops when you realize that you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, nor do you have to dump it into an otherwise happy relationship.

PROJECT R in session #8 Shallow Nothings

Shallow Nothings: shallownothings.wordpress.com

           1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

SN: Love has many definitions and forms, and I believe that a person’s experience and being, allows her to build her own definition of it. Being who I am and where I am right now, I strongly believe that love is a middle ground, a compromise, a truce, a safe place.

Love is what makes people disregard their differences, and learn to compromise at the midpoint. I think this ability to meet at the heart of the matter is what makes a successful relationship. It doesn’t always have to be rainbows and butterflies, or sweet walks in the park and candlelit dinners. A real relationship is one that has those ups, and the downs–disagreements, misunderstandings and shortcomings, but it becomes successful because these downs are overcome, and remedied.

A failed relationship, on the other hand, is one where both the ups and downs are present (qualities of a real relationship) but there is no middle on which both parties may communicate, see eye to eye and find a solution.

When a relationship fails, it’s easy to blame yourself or your partner. I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t kicked myself for contributing to the mess that once was my relationship, because I have. It’s easy to take the blame upon yourself because you are one-half of the problem. It’s what you do after you realize this that makes the difference.

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

SN: I have no problem with being on my own, but I have to admit the relationship that I have been in for the past three years has made me a different person. I can’t say that I’m whole because of this long-term relationship that I am in, but it has made me a better version of myself.

However, it isn’t for everybody. You can’t judge people who cannot or will not devote themselves to a long-term relationship because we’re all made differently. Just like how we have different definitions of love based on our experience and being, our view of relationships reflect that, too.

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

 SN: Like I said earlier, I can’t say that I’m whole or fulfilled by the romantic relationship that I am in right now, and I’m not saying that I’m not either, but I can stand alone or be with someone and still find fulfillment. I guess it’s a matter of how content you are, and how you perceive your situation. 

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

SN: Ah, yes, soul-mates. There is an innate need in humans to feel love and be needed, and I think that the feeling of missing something is engraved in our DNAs. In other words, yes, I do. I believe that there is a soul-mate out there for each person. I do feel that soul-mates aren’t limited to our finding another person “meant” for us. A soul-mate can be a relative (non-romantic way), a pet, a talent, a hobby, an item, a cause or it could be anything, just as long as it calls to you. If it does, that is where your soul belongs, and that is your soul-mate.

          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

SN: I don’t think that you need self-love for others to love you, because a person can choose to love you whether you know it or not. Especially if you like it or not, they could care less. I do feel like self-love contributes a lot in having a healthy relationship. I’m not saying this healthy relationship has to be successful, because it can be a total failure. A healthy relationship is one where you can make decision for yourself because you have self-love. If the relationship that you are in is not for you, you learn to let go of it and try to move on. If the relationship that you are in needs your attention or your push, you do it. That is the best thing about loving yourself.

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

SN: Like I had mentioned about soul-mates, I don’t think our fulfillment is limited to finding it in another person. It could be a number of things, some of which include non-living things, or non-items (like a cause).

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

SN: Yes, and no. Some people get into relationships out of peer pressure, or the fear of dying alone. Some people don’t get into relationships because they want to meet different people. People in relationships are just that, people in relationships. Though I have to say that some people in relate-sionships cannot find anything to relate on! 

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

SN: I wouldn’t have answered these questions had I thought this project wasn’t worthwhile. It’s a great idea, and a good start! I would love to see this grow and evolve into something else. What that is, I don’t know yet, but I hope to see it!

PROJECT R in session #7 Gfixation

Name: Gfixation / Twitter: @Simplefixated

Website: www.fixatedann.wordpress.com

1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

Points to note:

1. How we love is based on how much love was showed to us growing up. We cannot expect every Tom, Dick, Harry or Jane to know what it is to love. That is a big misconception we have when love is at play.

2. Our views on love are vastly different (based on religious belief), how we profess our love to another depicts our beliefs.

3. Society plays a major role in creating facades when it comes to men and women, so, are you bringing your true self into the relationship? Or is it a facade you created just to be loved?

4. Society created these expectations about who a Woman/Man should date, how they are “supposed” to act.

Love to me is; everything, everywhere and everyone, the moment I am not honoring everything/everyone/everywhere, I am therefore dishonoring myself. Love is not perfect and the moment I got that thought out of my head, the easier love was loved. Love is (ME) co-existing with (YOU). Love is deciding not to participate in an argument because you are stress and that is when you “go off”. Love is the unspoken words of affection, love is staring at you immensely, wishing you’d read my thoughts.

Failed Relationships: 

A failed relationship, is one in which two person cannot co-exist, this can be because of a number of things. Even though communication plays a vital role in any relationship, from inception to the end, not everyone can communicate effectively.  Relationships are viewed in the eye of the beholder, hence some of us rush into a relationship without understanding the “beholder” and that within itself can make the relationship fail. We are human beings, we should not judge ourselves too harshly when a relationship ends, we should however evaluate the situation HONESTLY and understood why it ended.

Consequently a successful relationship, is one in which communication is present ever so often whilst understanding your partner ways of co-existing in the relationship. Sometimes his/her way of co-existing is so different from yours that conflicts may arise, this is where compromises has to take effect.

Failure within itself is such a powerful word that if you find yourself fixating on it, you will become a failure. A part of being human is, we fail at what we do in the present moment, but picking up the pieces can help better the situation.

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

I am most comfortable when I am on my own than in a relationship, I am an introvert. Growing up, my parents were separated when I was 7 years old; my mother met someone else and moved out of the family house when I was 16. Majority of my youth was spent being by myself, hence being an introvert, so it wouldn’t be a surprise when I realized I adore my space and my “me” time. Previously this was an issue in my relationship (I do get tired of people easily). Presently, there is still conflict because my partner is an introvert as well, but they don’t like to be lonely (ahhhh this life). Should we separate because of that? no! In my view, it’s a work in progress. 2.4 years going strong (cheers).

I divert to say that as mentioned in #1, we are all different beings, how someone view their daily life shouldn’t be evaluated by outside force, but by what they believe in. Society will rip you to pieces if you indulge in their madness. With that being said, there is nothing wrong with someone who cannot or wouldn’t sustain a long-term relationship,

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

Romantic and fulfilled, I think, should go hand in hand, but, for some it doesn’t. From me. I do hope for fulfillment but the work from both sides has to be continuous for the natural element of the relationship to be sustained.

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

It depends on their definition of a soul-mate, again, a word that was created by society to amuse people, what if someone doesn’t find their soul-mate? This soul-mate saga has caused failed relationships, I’m sure, because of the emphasis placed on it. We as individuals should be able to define our love life the way we see fit.

          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

I don’t think that to be love by others I have to love myself, people are who they are. I think that if I love myself enough I will recognize love in its true form. Self-love can mean so many different things to so many different people, but for me, self-love is accepting my true self whether good/bad, accepting that not everyone will love me, so how do I deal with that, accepting that society will NOT dictate how I live my life, accepting nothing less than what I deserve.

To love, Sometimes means letting go, again, not everyone who you fall hopelessly in love will love you back, not everyone we meet we will be compatible with, even though from inception it felt like it. Sometimes we see many abusive relationships and we wonder why does she/he stay?

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

Fulfillment revolves around everything we represent as individuals, whether we are in relationship or not, most times our partners are the one who urges us to perform in a mediocre job, sometimes our families are encouraging us to be better individuals, so collectively praise should be warranted.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

*chuckles* no! people are who they are bad/good, whether in a relationship or not. Who you are will show up in your daily life.

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

Yes I think I was, we are so different, I anticipate different point of views from this project.

PROJECT R in session #6 Charlotte Wilson

My name is Charlotte (Larley, La, Lottie, Purple, Thunder Thighs (I have an ex boyfriend to thank for that one!)) Wilson. I don’t consider myself to be a writer, but I compose rock songs with lyrics attached, so I guess on some level, I must be!

I believe I am qualified to contribute to Project R, having experienced a fairly expansive spectrum of relationship-related emotion, from absolute despair to pure, undiluted, joyful love. I am grateful for the experience at both ends, as they made me who I am today and it’s all part of what this life has to offer. 

I am in the process of creating a new human being at the moment, and so the music stuff is somewhat on pause, but if you would like to check out my past efforts, please do see my band’s soundcloud page: https://soundcloud.com/chilsonbones

          1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

 LL: “How often they suggest that past relationships are failures, rather than experiences that can offer both parties the gift of insight, as if because something was time-limited or brief or is no more, that it was not fulfilling or wonderful or an occasion to learn.”

CW: I’m inclined to agree with LL’s perspective on past relationships; they were all experiences that ultimately led me to an understanding of what I need from a partner and also what I wanted to give of myself. None of my past relationships, by very definition, were lifelong, but part of them all will be with me for my whole life, like little jewels in my personal crown of love.

Would this jewel look so spectacular without all* the little ones around it? Possibly not…

     * Number of jewels does not accurately reflect my personal number of past relationships… unless we’re counting the snogs!

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

        CW: The majority of my past relationships were ended by me and I certainly did not consider myself a failure as I was ending them, but then I usually had the next one in my sights, like a line of man lily pads on a relationship pond (without ‘jumping’ on them until I was single, I hasten to add!). The shock came when I was dumped – I didn’t see it coming and the event changed me and my relationships forever. Ultimately for the better.

That experience took me a long time to get over, I can tell you. But, having crashed my car singing emphatically to ‘Perfect’, I took on Fairground Attraction’s advice and decided I only wanted to be in a relationship if it was right for me. This conclusion led to about 5 years of singledom that were equally glorious in their promiscuous, devil-may care, nature and horrendous in their moments of fear and self-doubt –
‘will I ever love again?’
‘have I lost my ability to love?’
‘what if what I’m looking for in a relationship simply doesn’t exist?’
‘what am I looking for anyway?’

I couldn’t commit, but did that make me strange or unnatural? I don’t think so; I felt more flawed when I was in the doomed relationship that set me off on down the single path in the first place. I believe you really do know if you’re in the wrong relationship, even whilst you’re in it, but that it takes strength to pull away if you’re in love or insecure. Thank goodness for me, I didn’t have to be strong to end it; he took that responsibility into his own hands and I am very, very grateful.

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

       CW: Hmmm, tricky one for me to answer at the moment because, if I’m perfectly honest, the years since I met my husband have been the happiest of my life. But my goodness, I had some amazing fun in my single years. They gave me the space and freedom to pursue my own interests, develop incredible relationships with friends, make my own musical discoveries and best of all, said with unabashed corniness, find myself. I no longer felt that I had to compromise who I was to fit a man’s ideal type or expectations and it gave me the confidence to present myself to potential future partners with my own fully formed opinions and ideas for what I wanted for my future.

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

       CW: My romantic, ‘The Notebook’-loving self: surely I could never be as happy with anyone other than my husband. But then duh, I’m totally in love with my husband and I have him right here, so of COURSE I feel that way – I’d be getting divorced if I didn’t.

My realistic self: If I had met someone else who had similar life-aspirations as me and I had fallen in love with them and they had fallen in love with me… I could conceivably be as happy.

The thing is, having embraced the digital dating age, I practically downloaded my husband to personal specification. Armed with the aforementioned self-conviction and ever-present Fairground Attraction soundtrack, I joined a dating site:

6 foot or taller – tick (just)
Lives on the way to and from work, so I’ll actually get to see him – tick
Earns £££ and above – tick (he exaggerated, by the way)
Sense of humour demonstrated by picture of self wearing a pirate costume – tick

Does all of the above make my husband my soulmate? Of course not. But it made me predisposed to fall in love because it was likely from the offset that we were in a similar phase of life with common goals for both the immediate and distant future.

I sincerely wish for everyone to find someone as compatible to share their lives with as I feel my husband and I are together, if that is what they want from life. As a couple, we are more than just an antidote to loneliness; I look forward to seeing him every day, I enjoy talking to him, I fancy the pants off him and now it is painful to even think about the possibility of life without him… And I do believe that for each person, there are several versions of the above relationship available to find, if you’re honest with what you want from a relationship and what you’re willing to give in return.
          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

       CW: If everyone subscribed to the philosophy of having to love yourself before others can love you, I don’t believe any romantic relationship would exist. No one’s perfect and it’s often those who appear most self-assured that harbour the most self-doubt. The trick is to find someone who doesn’t nurture your insecurities or, even worse, use them against you.

Sadly, I have witnessed situations where self-doubt has led to destructive relationships – people convinced that they deserve anything less than mutual respect and enjoyment in each other. Hint: no one does. This situation is unfortunate and obviously less likely to happen to someone who is able to recognise that they should expect more. But perhaps there’s also an element of bad luck involved too – there’s no reason why someone who feels inadequate can’t find someone who makes them feel happy.

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

        CW: For me personally, I wanted a husband, a home, a family. But I don’t for a second discount other’s ambitions and assume they are unfulfilled if they haven’t achieved my own objectives in life. OK, so the things that make me tick also happen to be the traditional and socially recognised milestones. But you know what, if I had become a rock star, perhaps I would have felt equally fulfilled in my life. I always felt it was either/or and that I had to do one or the other with all my passion and energy. Of course, I’ll never know. But I do know that I’m flippin’ lucky to have realised at least one of my life’s ambitions. Luck? Who knows – I did sign myself up to that dating site and it was I who ‘winked’ at my husband so I did create a fair bit of my own luck.

I say go forth – have a goal and pursue it with joyful anticipation. Fulfilment is surely about achieving what YOU want, whatever that may be.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

        CW: Ooooh, interesting theory. But no. In my opinion, it’s all about finding the right person for your personality and lifestyle and aspirations. Or, if the case may be, actively not being in a relationship as a result. Perhaps if you’re not communicating those three things to yourself, it could make a relationship a bit tricky in the long term. Do these things need to be articulated to your partner? No, I don’t think so. We humans are mostly pretty instinctive and so if you’re not the chatty type, I don’t think there’s any need to panic.

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

       CW: Definitely a worthwile project. I am going to be so intrigued about other people’s take on the above questions. Life is quite a complicated thing when you add the human consciousness to the mix. Isn’t it wonderful to consider and share our personal interpretation of the whole adventure and see how others view it all from where they’re standing?

PROJECT R in session #5 Winifred M. Reilly

Winifred M. Reilly: http://speakingofmarriage.wordpress.com

          1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

People often say things like “failed” marriage, “failed” relationship. The trouble with this is that not every relationships lasts, but we learn something from every relationship. Thinking of it as a pit and out failure negates the learning and the positive things.

Still, learning a whole lot of useful stuff doesn’t help the fact that we hurt when the relationship ends.

Does it make the entire person a failure…? Hardly.

          2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

I’m in a very long marriage so I can barely remember being on my own in the literal sense. But spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, existentially, it’s really important to have a separate self that doesn’t get absorbed into the WE of a relationship.

Relationships are hard. They make great demands on people and many do badly. Lot of people had terrible role models and traumatic experiences as children and replayed them in their relationships as adults. Not to sound like I have my head in the clouds, I do believe people can learn to be better relaters.

So, no, I don’t think people come in two flavors: relationship-capable and relationship-doomed.

We all have stuff to learn and sometimes we need help before we pick partners that will grow and learn along with us.

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

Any time we NEED something in order to be fulfilled, we ‘re setting ourselves up for trouble. I’m big on people having an internal well of fulfillment to tide them over when their relationships get rocky, when partner is acting like an ass, when they are alone.

           4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

Oy, soul mates. Here’s my statement about soul mates lifted from a post I did on my relationship advice blog about dangerous relationship myths:

Myth # 4  People should marry their soul mate

Okay, look. Maybe you know some people who are convinced that their husband or wife is the one person on earth for them and that they miraculously found each other. In case that’s not you, don’t sweat it. Most of us marry someone who is a combination of positive and negative traits of our parents; a person who, for better or worse, resonates with our learned experience of love growing up in our family. We pick them, we marry them, and they become our “person.”

Rather than think there must be some perfect person out there and chances are I didn’t marry him, a more realistic notion is this: there are many hundreds, if not thousands, of potential partners to choose from and we just need one. Whomever we choose, he or she will sometimes push our buttons and sometimes touch our heart. http://wp.me/p3KCCM-2Q

          5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself?

Yes. I think of it this way: we get love that matches our expectation and belief about our worth. We recognize love in ways that are similar to the love we got as children, whatever form or fashion it took. The better we feel about ourselves, the higher our standards.

                                     What does self-love mean to you?

Self love means taking good care of ourselves, treating ourselves as if we matter.

                                     To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

Taking good care sometimes means doing things that are painful but will be better for us in the long run. Obviously can mean leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve us.

          6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

Again, we have to be in charge of our own care and feeding. What we get from others is like a supplement to what we must give ourselves.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

NO!! They may have more opportunities to practice, but look around you– people have horrible, unhappy, conflict-laden relationships. The people who are faring better have learned to navigate their difficulties, but even they have trouble and need to work to resolve them.

          8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

Interesting questions to think about. I think about relationships all the time since I’m a couples therapist!

My parting thoughts: people underestimate how hard relationships are. Many people just don’t want to put in the work, thinking that tough times mean they’re a bad match.

There’s a lot of terrible advice out there that makes people feel defective. Ignore any advice that implies that you should move on if there’s trouble. Sometimes moving on is the right thing to do, but quite often people have just hit the inevitable relationship rough spots and have to work through them.

We learn as we go. And, like it or not, most often we learn from our mistakes.

Winifred M. Reilly

http://speakingofmarriage.wordpress.com

PROJECT R in session #4 Susan Irene Fox

Susan Irene Fox : http://www.susanirenefox.com Twitter: https://twitter.com/susanirenefox

         1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

I used to think of ended relationships as a failure on my part. I have a much different perspective now. I may as well state up front that I’m 63 and found Christ seven years ago. That has changed my perspective on a lot of things, including love. I was married and divorced three times by the time I was 45. I called it serial monogamy, but looking back, I can see I had this huge, damaged hole in my heart that no human being could fill.

Looking back, I think most people enter relationships expecting another person to “complete” them. I also think we look at who we hope people can become instead of looking at who people truly are and choosing to love them for the gift they are, or choosing to understand that person isn’t the match for us.  I strongly believe we need to come into relationships as two whole people, willing to give and serve rather than wanting to take from one another. I think that’s what makes the difference between a “failed” and a successful relationship.

         2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

Now that I have my faith, and know that I am completely and wholly loved by God, I am very comfortable on my own. It took me a long time to get here. I still miss human touch sometimes – the affection, hugging and holding – but the comfort I have in the solitude and time I spend with God can’t be replaced by anything else. I have a peace now that is simply beyond understanding. And, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I do think we were created to be in relationships, but I have loving relationships with friends that sustain me.

         3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

There are many different types of love, and I’ve experienced them all. I supposed if I never had eros love, I would feel a lack or a wanting. If I have it again someday, I would be delighted, but I’m not searching for it. As I said, I have the love of God that fills my heart, and I have the love of dear friends. Those kinds of love satisfy me, fill me with joy, and give me peace.

         4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

I’m convinced that our only Soul-mate is the Lord. He is the One who makes me whole. No other human can do that. When I look to someone to fill me, I expect a human being with flaws just like me to be perfect. They can’t. I can’t. We all lack. The myth is that we will, at some point in our lives ever get our s*** together without God.

         5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

I don’t need to be anything other than a child of God in order to be loved. There is nothing I can do to have Him love me more. There is nothing we can do to have Him love me less. He gives me grace and mercy and invites me into His family. I may still have issues of self-doubt, self-worth, etc…, but if I don’t love myself, I am insulting my Father. He has done so much to bring me back to Him, my own issues regarding self-love are meaningless compared to His love for me.

Yes, love can mean letting go: it means letting go of control, of anxiety, of grief, of anger. It means letting go of a painful situation and giving it to God to handle. It can mean walking away from abuse even if it is scary; it can mean surrendering fears about lack and having faith that God will provide. For me above all, it means letting go of circumstances and staying steadfast in my love for Him, knowing that He will walk me through it.

         6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

 As I tried to state above, my only complete fulfillment is in my relationship with the Lord. My relationship status has nothing to do with that. My hope is that, if I am ever in a committed relationship with someone again, I would bring that fulfillment to the relationship.

         7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

No. I interact with lots of people. I am in different relationships with different friends. You learn different skills along the way. With practice, I would hope I get better at all life skills.

         8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

I think this is worthwhile if it helps others understand that fulfillment isn’t acquired from another person. In my point of view as a Christian, we can’t fill our hearts by sucking love, understanding, forgiveness and compassion from another human being. We must be willing to give in our relationships with people. And the only one who gives everlastingly and fills us to overflowing is God.

“Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit,” says the Lord Almighty. Zechariah 4:6

PROJECT R in session #3 Joanne Paul

Name: Joanne Paul / Website: http://pastthephd.blogspot.co.uk/ Twitter: @Joanne_Paul_

If you ask Twitter, it will tell you that Joanne is a ‘Historian of Political Thought. Renaissance Woman. Lecturer @NewCollegeH. Feminist. Yogi. Curator @HumantiesFM. Proud Canadian. And she really likes shoes.’
If you ask her blog, it will tell you that Joanne ‘ recently finished her PhD in History at Queen Mary, University of  London, where she produced a thesis on the discourses of counsel in  Anglophone political thought from 1485-1651 under the supervision of  Professor Quentin Skinner. She is currently a Lecturer in History at the New College of the Humanities in London (nchum.org).’ It will also mention that ‘When she’s not doing all of that, she likes reading, shopping (!!!) and doing as much yoga as she can fit into her week. Whenever possible she pops down to the theatre, opera, or… when academic pressures really are too  much… a burlesque show. She likes to eat vegan, drink wine and listen to any music but country. Most evenings will find her curled up watching a  cooking show, Big Bang Theory or absolutely anything from Joss Whedon. She really likes popcorn and hot cocoa. Oh, and her room is really pink’.
If you ask her best friend, he will tell you that she is an ‘amply complex constellation of dichotomy-collapsing idiosyncracies’. That’s probably best.

          1. On Failure. What does love mean to you? What constitutes a failed relationship? What about a successful one? Did you ever think of yourself as a failure because a relationship came to an end?

Love means joy in another. A joining in another. It is openness and light. Warmth and strength. Love cannot fail. But a relationship can lose touch with love, or perhaps never have really connected with it to begin with.

A successful relationship involves connection, communication and compassion. A relationship that you no longer feel passionate about contributing to (what you may want to call ‘failed’) has lost some aspect of those things (or, as they are intertwined, aspects of all of those things). In most cases, it is simply the realization that the connection is not as strong as may have been thought, or can endure. To me, this is not a ‘failure’ as we are each unique beings. Attempts to forge a connection with others means playing with an almost infinite number of variables. The idea that you are meant to have the majority of your emotional, sexual and other needs filled by one person means that this connection must be very strong, which is simply (when you think about it) statistically difficult to forge. It is not a ‘failure’ if one realizes this. In fact it is a sign of strength, self-awareness and genuine care for the other person.

That all being said, of course I have been made to feel a failure because a relationship has come to an end. And this applies equally to romantic relationships as the equally important relationships with friends and family. Interestingly, of course, we are made to feel less a failure if a friendship comes to an end, we see it as a time passing, something running its course and we both move on. But the end of a ‘Relationship’, we are made to feel like we have done something wrong. Are flawed in some way. That we may never be truly whole, successful people, because we could not ‘keep it going’ (even though to do so would be damaging to all involved).

         2. On Being Flawed. Are you more comfortable on your own or in a relationship? Do you think there is something wrong with people who cannot or would not sustain long-term relationships?

I am more comfortable on my own than in the wrong relationship. I think that may address the second question as well.

          3. On Eros. Do you require a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled?

I am the sort of person who craves love – both the giving and receiving. I love being in a reciprocal cycle of love. And that is something in me that requires fulfilment.  I do not, however, only find it the ‘Relationship’ and so can find my need love/be loved in other places (such as my spirituality, friendships, family relationships, even relationships with nature). I am also a romantic, so I do enjoy the standard cultural expressions of love. But I would not say I need them to feel wholly myself.

          4. On Soul-mates. Do you believe that there is a soul-mate for everyone out there? Do you ever feel that you are only half of the equation, and will be ‘lacking’ something until you find someone to share your everyday life with?

I do believe (as I said) that finding someone with whom we can forge a long, strong, lasting connection with is so close to being an impossibility, that there is probably only one person with whom we will find that ‘best’ connection. In such a way, yes, there is probably a mate who best matches and feeds my soul out there. I do feel like my life will be very different if I do not meet this person, but I don’t think I’ll be half a person, just someone who lives a life that finds love and value in different things.

But being completely open and honest. I would be saddened by the lack of someone to share all of life’s joys and sorrows with. I am the sort of person who really enjoys companionship and love.

           5. On Self-Love. Do you think that to be loved by others you have to love yourself? What does self-love mean to you? To love, can it sometimes mean letting go?

I do think it is important to love oneself in order to accept someone else’s love fully. As it is all about connection, you certainly have to know yourself in order to recognize connection with another, and to love yourself in order to value those things which have forged the connection. That being said, it can be a work in progress, one that can be a journey aided by someone else’s love (like a light on a dark path). Self love means loving myself as I love the one I love best. Other than that I don’t know, it’s a project to me as well. Love is always letting go. But in order to embrace something else. A different way of thinking. A different way of looking at the world and at oneself.

         6. On Fulfilment. Can we only find fulfilment in others, or is it possible to be happy and find contentment in our other accomplishments, whatever our relationship status?

Friends, family, coworkers, lookers-on, students, passers-by, teachers, flatmates, etc, etc, all help us to form opinions of ourselves, both good and bad. They can reinforce either, often depending on our own moods and outlooks.

          7. On Interpersonal Skills. Are people in relationships simply better at ‘people skills’ than those who are not?

No. Not in the least. Communication was certainly one of the three qualities I mentioned earlier, and that helps a lot. But it requires the connection and deeply-rooted loving compassion as well, without which communication is also impossible to truly fulfil. Communication might be the only one that is a ‘skill’, but it cannot be separated from the other elements which are more or less random (or pre-determined if you prefer) and emotive.  

           8. On Project R. Do you think this a worthwhile project? In what way, if at all, did this project help you think through the question of “relationships”? Feel free to add here any other thoughts you may have on the subject that was not covered by the above questions.

Love is a state of mind, not a status.