Men vs Women | Crossing the Divide

Let’s Talk Opinion in conversation with OM

I was rather surprised to discover today that I am not a woman after all. I may look like one, but try as I much as I may, I was unable to identify with the “typical” female behaviour described by OM in his recent post about Those things women do… Perhaps it is a matter of perspective or perhaps I’ve been too busy juggling the daily challenges of existence to find time to fit into the required mould. Or perhaps… it was an accident of birth and I was allocated the wrong gender? This will not do.

Now… I know that OM’s posts are often tongue-in-cheek, so my reply ought to be allowed to be in kind. What do women do exactly? Here are OM’s findings:

They “Ask where something is before actually looking for it first.”

Yep. My grandpa used to do this a lot. Poor granny was forever searching for the things he had misplaced. Wait a moment… This does’t quite fit. I’m supposed to be searching for evidence in the women’s drawers. I’m more a woman of action myself. If something is missing, I’ll go find it. No question about it.

Need to delve deeper… Aha! Got it!

Before smart phones and map apps came to the fore, I would always ask policemen for directions. I figured that since they patrol the area, they are in a better position to tell me where things are than anyone else. I do the same when shopping in a supermarket I’m unfamiliar with. Rather than wondering aimlessly around the shop floor, I ask the nearest assistant to help me find whatever it is I’m looking for.

You know what. I’ve a mind that “looking for it first” is a bit of a time-waster when it comes to both. Whether you happen to be a man or a woman, when others are in the know: ask. You are on this earth for a limited amount of time; I say you’ve got better things to do than going on a wild goose chase when someone could help if only you dared request it.

Sorry, OM. Afraid you lost me on this one. It’s a rational choice issue when it comes to time and resource management, rather than gender-based preference 😉

“Upon marriage women suddenly lose the ability to reach anything above their shoulders,” says OM.  

It is the greatest of burdens for husbands everywhere, reaching out for that top shelf. It’s become an endemic problem; so much so that the top reason given by men when filing for divorce in 2013 was “over-straining of wrist due to wife’s refusal to reach for anything above her shoulders.”

I was shocked to discover that the additional weight of her engagement and wedding rings did not stop weightlifting champion Svetlana Podobedova from securing a gold medal at the 2012 London Olympics. In fact, being in possession of a marriage certificate proved to be so unproblematic that I had to rush online to search for proof of a divorce. Surely no married woman would’ve bothered to lift that thing up when there was a husband in the stands to do it for her? Perhaps Podobedova did not hear of this rule. Must draft up an emergency letter to inform her asap!

A word of warning from, OM, so take note: “Women, if you have a husband or boyfriend that is secure enough about themselves not to care if you go out with your girlfriends all night that doesn’t mean we want to hear about the whole damn evening the next day… all day.” 

I hear you, man. I hear you. You’ve no idea how many pub night stories I’ve had to listen to in my day. This happened, then that happened, then the other. Same goes for blow-by-blow rendition of any other kind of outing. Don’t even get me started about sports.

You’re right, OM. Women do it too, but there’s a catch. That glint in the eye when we tell our story, delving for the most inconsequential of details… ever notice it? Oh. Yes. We are having a blast. I’ll let you into a secret: women don’t go on all day long about what they’ve been up to because they want to share. It’s payback for all the boring stuff we’ve had to listen to day in day out, week after week, ad nauseam.

Alright. I may have embellished a little. Ok. A LOT. No matter. You liked it enough to put a ring on it, so listening to your other half’s revelling narratives is part of the deal – no matter which side of the gender divide you find yourself on.

“Be aware of how many “can you sentences” that you ask of your man each day,” advises OM.

This must be a specifically American problem. You see, us Brits have centuries of experience to draw on when it comes to our significant others’ physical ability. We need not ask what they can and cannot do.

We are rather big on subtext over here too. However, when there is something we need a little helping hand with “Would you be so kind as to…?” is always the question of choice. 😉

Oho. I must tread carefully when it comes to the next one. It sounds like a toe or two will be in need of bandaging any moment now: “If your husband or boyfriend does the dishes or laundry try not to complain. If your significant other does the cleaning ALL THE TIME, just keep your damn mouth shut period!”

You heard him, ladies. Let’s keep calm and carry on. We are all aware that the division of labour when it comes to household tasks has been rather hard on men over the years. Just think of what they have to deal with on a daily basis. They wake up early in the morning, make breakfast to give you that extra half hour in bed, get the kids ready, have to do the school run before rushing off to work, and it does’t stop there. Once at work, there is the matter of all those women colleagues having an easier go of it when it comes to high pay and promotion, so you understand why at the end of the day they might be unable to be as attentive when sweeping floors, washing dishes, polishing the silver and so on.

Give them a break. It’s not easy juggling a career, kinds and being a domestic goddess on top of all that. Sorry, domestic god.  I meant to say domestic god.

Make sure to let “your man” know that you appreciate all their hard work. And if your whites turn pink every now and then because he accidentally put a red sock in the washing machine, just shrug and smile. We like pink, don’t we?

In fact, go one step further and buy them something pretty to say thank you. OM is quite right: “These are tough economic times women” and certainly we should’t “get angry at your husband for actually not getting you a gift.” Instead, I think we should focus on what we can do to make them feel the love. We just don’t take the time to make romantic gestures these days. Some men pretend that they would rather get tickets to a football match than receive flowers, but we all know that’s not true.

When it comes to OM’s next piece of advice I have to say I’m at a disadvantage. Jealousy is something I am utterly unfamiliar with. As a writer too, it makes life rather difficult. I have to add it to my list of things to research, rather like a sociopath having to learn how normal human beings react emotionally to a situation. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You must have OM’s take on this first:

“If you are the jealous type of women than understand that about yourself and try to think rationally. This is hard, I know, but before you snap at your husband or boyfriend for looking at the chest of the waitress stop and ask yourself this, “was he may be reading her name tag?””

You see my problem now? I am not the jealous type. If my husband looks at another woman’s chest, chances are it’s because I’ve made a comment about it first and he’s inspecting the supporting evidence. Or unsupported – as the case may be.

I am also yet to find myself in a situation where rational thought eludes me. Although I have to say that my interlocutor underestimates the value of an emotional response: at least you can be certain that you haven’t married a sociopath, and that’s something in this day and age. Have you seen the news lately? Domestic homicide is on the rise.

And this bring’s us nicely to OM’s last point: “Women seem to love social drama. They watch it on TV and chatter about it with their friends. Suddenly a “friend’s” relationship problem is your own because you decided to reexamine your own partner due to your friend’s current drama. That is insane.” 

Ahem. I’m yet to come across a woman who does that, although if OM says they exist it must be so. In the absence of personal experience in this case, I will have to ask you, dear readers, to share you own, if you would be so kind.

What is the one thing you want the woman or man in your life to stop doing? 

Related Articles: On women being crazy and You Are Not White Enough!

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Let’sTalk Opinion posts engage with issues that are important to other bloggers, connecting with others on matters close to their heart. If you like a topic and would like to contribute, please feel free to add to the comment box, reblog, share, email or message me on Twitter @shardsofsilence.

Or if you happen to be a fellow Hogwartsian send me a letter by owl. 

Project O – Harsh Reality EXCLUSIVE: Interview with vicbriggs and AOpinionatedMan

vicbriggs and AOpinionatedMan on life, the universe and Opinion!

I’m a story teller. I want to share my story with you. It may be mine today, or perhaps someone else’s. Ideas tail me until I give them space on the page and I can think of nothing more joyful than to send them chasing after you, make you smile, laugh, or shed a tear if that’s what you need today.

Project O : truth + fiction. After submitting my Opinion piece preview for the project (you can read this here: https://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/project-o/   ), I decided I’d delve a little deeper and see what I can come up for you. It soon became clear that an interview was in order.

Opinionated Man came to the virtual rescue. But. It always helps to visualise.

Disclaimer:

The interview below is between a fictionalised Opinionated Man and myself. To avoid any confusion, I shall refer to him as iOM. 

September 1, 2013. 10:03am GMT.

Altitude: 37000 feet (plus minus a couple of toes)

Ground Speed: 548mph

Somewhere south of Prague, nosing ahead towards Vienna; final destination: Iasi.

iOM walks towards me with an assured step. His shoulders move in rhythmic sequence one after another, as if driving his body forward, towards this place that contains me. I just stand here, watching him walk. Interesting. I never noticed before that he keeps his arms balancing slightly apart from his torso, that he walks tall and straight, carrying his height to its full.

Half way down the seat-path he twitches his nose and fans it with his hand. I laugh. Yes. This is one stinky plane. No two opinions about it. We could’ve chosen a better place for this interview, but needs must.

We await the lukewarm pretend-coffee liquid to be brought around. Once the green-coated, cherry-lipsticked, and rather grumpy Tarom stewardess (excuse me, ‘pilotical’ incorrectness alert!), ok: flight attendant leaves us; Lilliputian coffee cups in hand, iOM turns towards me and gets straight to the point. 

iOM: You are relatively new on the blog scene, having just celebrated your first month blogniversary. We first crossed swords over the question of women being crazy. In your opinion, did your background influence your position on the matter?

vicbriggs:  Very much so. My first instinct was to rebuff your claim, but that’s the lazy route. I remembered how a fellow thinker once dealt with someone who called her a feminist dyke (not that I’m suggesting here in any shape or form any equivalence between your view and that of her assailant). Rather than getting angry, she embraced the term transforming it into something positive: “Yes. I’m a feminist and a dyke. It’s wonderful that we live in a society where we can be one and the other, and be proud and vocal about it, wouldn’t you agree?” she said. It completely befuddled her wannabe attacker.

Opinion on gender issues in my country of birth, a small former Soviet republic, is still dominated, to my great chagrin, by a misogynist male population. It was tough growing up as a woman in Basarabia, but I think I owe my strength and commitment to women’s cause to that place. 

iOM: Are things different in that respect in your new home country?

vicbriggs: Things are much better in Britain. Women do have a voice here and their social standing is relatively better than in Eastern Europe. Nonetheless, there are still many hurdles to be overcome. There is a backlash of conservatism against the advances of feminism on women’s rights.

Since the recession, some politicians have even suggested that women ought to return to the home as their rightful place. Women’s pay is still considerably lower than men’s in equivalent jobs. Whilst men do not have to sacrifice their career in order to have a family, many women are still faced with that choice.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if society viewed both men and women as equally responsible for the upbringing of new generations? I think a lot can be done to share the burden, and I do believe that men suffer because of these attitudes too. Many would like to have the chance to be more involved as fathers.

My last few years in academia have also thrown light on the difficulties female academics have to face. Male students are never told at the very start of their phd that they have to break through a glass ceiling and that those of their gender have a tough time making it in this ‘industry’.

iOM: In your previous piece for Project O, you recounted how your grandfather’s attitude towards his wife was the first prompt for your unearthing how important it is for people to be allowed to voice their opinions. What, if anything, in your opinion, acts as the Grandfather-figure for others today? What keeps people silent when they ought to speak out?

vicbriggs: Fear. There are many reasons why people chose to remain silent, or are compelled to be so. Fear, whether of rejection, of reprisal, of not fitting in, is a big factor.

States and their governments are well versed in using the power of fear to keep their citizens and/or subjects in check. The Cold War provided the perfect opportunity for both superpowers and their allies to curtail the rights and freedoms of their own people, whilst pointing the finger over the Iron Curtain. When “they have it worse than you” no longer served as an excuse, they found other enemies to scare us with into silence.

The war on terrorism provided the ultimate threat. When your enemy cannot be identified, you live forever in fear. The truth is that no one has as much power and opportunity to hurt us than those we’ve put in charge of our decisions, our laws, and ultimately – since politics now infiltrates every aspect of society – our lives.

This is why projects such as yours (Project O) are so important in offering others a platform, a voice. It is wonderful to be able to be a part of it, and I hope that it will encourage others to express their thoughts and beliefs, whilst respecting those of others.

iOM: Speaking of respect, what do you understand by it?

vicbriggs: Good question, and a difficult one to answer. I suppose respect starts with an open mind. Listen before you speak your mind. Do not judge people before they’ve had a chance to explain their position. Give them a chance to defend it. If you disagree, do so by approaching the issue at hand rather than going for the jugular. Never make it personal, even if at times it feels so. If we were all a little more willing to listen and to at least try and empathise with others, then we’d make the first step towards mutual respect.

iOM: You’ve had a chance to travel and interact with people from cultures and backgrounds other than your own. How did this influence your opinions, if at all?

vicbriggs: I owe a lot of who I am today to these experiences. It’s opened my eyes to other ways of life, other modes of thinking, to others’ ability to cope in tough circumstances. Travelling has made me feel closer to my fellow women and men. I am a better person for it.

iOM: You say that you are a feminist and a democrat, and that you can’t be one without the other. Does that influence the way you view nascent democracies?

vicbriggs: New democracies have a lot of work to do for their women citizens. Outmoded attitudes ought to be left behind. It is not easy. I appreciate that in societies where religion is an important factor there is an additional hurdle to overcome. But I stand by what I said If you are a democrat, you are a feminist.

A Modern Greek philosopher and friend once told me that you can be a Greek or a Christian, not both. Greeks have managed it somehow, so I think there is hope for new democracies to subscribe to feminist values without abandoning their beliefs. But they do need to adapt them to new realities.

iOM: And if they don’t adapt?

vicbriggs: If they continue to oppress and devalue more than half of their citizens, then they do not deserve the label. They may be something, but not democracies.

Women ought to fight for their right to an opinion. Men, if they have that right already, and even if they don’t, ought to join women in their cause. If we stand together, if we persist and never give up, then we are bound to succeed. “Constant Vigilance!”

iOM: If everyone is entitled to their opinion, surely some clashes are bound to happen?

vicbriggs: Absolutely. But as long as there is a mutual respect and a desire to listen and understand the position of your opponent or adversary, then opinion will be in good hands.

As I mentioned before, the one line I draw is on sexism, racism and homophobia. If you deny people of a different gender, race or sexual inclination an equal standing in the conversation, then you are an opponent unworthy of respect. You cannot expect to be listened to when you belittle others. You are entitled to your opinion, sure. But no one likes a dick.

iOM: The last question. Do you have anything more to add regarding the importance of this project to you and to the world?

vicbriggs: The fact that so many people have chosen to take time and participate, voice their opinion in this context , is inspiring. I am grateful to be a part of it.  We have so many projects of our own that sometimes we can lose sight of what is most important to us. Project O has prompted me to delve deep and consider what I value most and why.

I hope that you will be able to make this a return feature on your blog. Perhaps we can rename September as the month of opinion and encourage more writers to participate every year with new sets of questions related to this topic.

Thank you for initiating the project. And thanks to you all for joining in.

Our lukewarm cups long emptied, we said our goodbyes and Opinionated Man left to hunt down another blogger for their opinion. From theory to action, I landed in Iasi and sticking a protester’s banner on my arm tattoo-style, went of the Union Square and screamed my lungs out to save Rosia Montana from the greedy claw of gold-diggers (literally) and preserve this place of outstanding natural beauty for future generations. The future is too late a time to make amends. Begin now. Grab a cause.

You have a voice. Use it.

For a rather more humorous take on AOpinionatedMan’s Project O questions, follow the link to my original contribution: https://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/project-o/

And here is the link to all other contributions by my fellow-bloggers. Enjoy! http://aopinionatedman.com/category/project-o/

Be happy. Be gay!

Another day, another cause.

You can read my answer below, and click on the link for my adversary’s contribution to Project O: http://aopinionatedman.com/2013/09/20/project-o-article-80-mandy-uk-scheduled-for-9-20-1800/comment-page-1/#comment-63799

Well. Let’s break the silence.

Dear Mandy,

There is a sweetness that comes across in your narrative voice. It is warming that you strive to better yourself despite, or perhaps because of – who am I to judge? – your religious  upbringing. This is why I am confident that you will take my comment in the spirit in which it is intended.

You say: “…even though I don’t agree with homosexuality.”

I struggle to understand what there can be to ‘agree’ or disagree with about homosexuality. Homosexuality is not a matter of opinion.

You can’t disagree with homosexuality as if it’s equivalent to coffee-drinking, governmental policy on education, or… whatever-have-you: whaling! for example.

Homosexuality is not a lifestyle choice.

It is not equivalent to preferring skinny jeans to boot-cut, or vegetarianism to meat-eating.

It just is.

In matters of homosexuality, I subscribe to Freud’s view that all humans are inherently bisexual, meaning that everyone incorporates aspects of both sexes, and has the capacity/propensity to love both sexes both psychologically and anatomically. Heterosexuality and homosexuality both, developed from this original bisexual disposition.

All else: learnt behaviour.

As far as I am concerned, Man created God in his own image – and somehow seems to have managed to imbue his invention with his own prejudices in the process.

But even if you are a Christian, didn’t Jesus say “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another”? Can’t find any indication in his teachings that this love must be confined to its heterosexual variant.

Regards,

Vic

On Race, Gender and Difference.

On Race, Gender and Difference.

NB: Below you can read my reply to a Project O’s fellow-contributor. Click on the link above for her article.

Dear Tee,
Thank you for a great post. I enjoyed the sarky undertone too. It suited the piece I think.

     Regarding race. May I be so bold and agree with your PolSci prof? I don’t know what arguments she brought forward to support her position, but this is how I see it. Yes, people’s skin colour differs. It differs from person to person, region to region, continent to continent; and if there are humanoid aliens out there, perhaps from galaxy to galaxy too. We are not blind to those differences, and the French I think proved quite well that state-ratified attempts at such blindness fail to bring about equality of treatment.

      However, I do believe that race is a social construct. To think in racial terms is not a ‘natural’ occurrence. The doctrines were invented by those who sought to justify rapacious private and state-led enterprise outside the limited confines of European territories. It is easier to rob peoples of their possessions if you do not think of them as your equals. You don’t need to come to terms then with your own failings as a human being or society.
Before that happened, attitudes did not differ towards people whose skin colour differed any more than they differed towards people using different hair-grooming products.

      Race is a social construct in the same way in which gender is. Yes, there are two basic sexes: male and female, with many nuanced in-betweens when discontinuities between biology and psyche occur. But other than the strict biological differences that can be observed, all else is invention. It took two world wars to show Europe that at the end of the day there are no differences between what men and women can do work-wise, that equally well educated men and women are equally capable of rational argument, that politically engaged citizens are militant no matter what their sex.
However, I am also painfully aware that the above does not change on-the-ground realities. Just because something is imagined or invented, if it is adhered to, then it is as real as it can get.

      I count myself fortunate in that I have always seen difference as an inherent good. I am fascinated by it, not in a “let me inspect you as if you’re some museum piece” fascinated, but as toddlers find the world around them new and wonderful and exciting, and everything they have not encountered before is another adventure: an explorer’s dream. Every person I meet, irrespective of background, gender, skin colour, nose shape and whatever-have-you, is to me a new world I am eager to discover. I wish it was the same for everyone.

     Sadly, I know that not to be the case. But I hope that what you shared in your post will make at least one person think twice before they make another racist joke thinking ‘big deal’.

     Thank you again. Look forward to more of your writing x

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Should you like to peruse my original contribution to Project O, follow this link: https://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/project-o/ or alternatively, you can find it on Project O’s home-website at: http://aopinionatedman.com/2013/09/03/project-o-article-12/

For more deeply held opinions, there is an interview with vicbriggs and OpinionatedMan coming up in October. Watch this space!

And thank you for stopping by 🙂