Boxing Day

Boxing SantasThis Shardy took a break from WordPress yesterday. What was I up to, you wonder? Well… after taking a twelve hour nap, I decided to go underground.

You may not know this, but there is a special event that goes on in the US on the 26th of December every year. It’s all very hush-hush so I may get into a lot of trouble for telling you this, but hey! apparently the 5th amendment doesn’t apply to me – not being an American citizen and all that – so I’ll take my chances and let you into the secret Snowden-style.

The first rule of Santa Boxing Club is we don’t talk about Santa Boxing Club. The second rule of Santa Boxing Club is we don’t talk about Santa Boxing Club. The third rule of Santa Boxing Club is… You get the gist of it 😉

Minoan youth boxing_Akrotiri_Santorini fresco_earliest documented use of glovesEvery Boxing Day, Santas from all over the world fly over to California for the biggest non-spectator-sport event. (I had an insider let me in)

  • Fights occur in a 24 feet square ring surrounded by ropes.
  • If a Santa is knocked down, he had to rise within 30 seconds under his own power to be allowed to continue.
  • Biting, head-butting and hitting below the belt are illegal.
  • Belly-butting on the other hand is encouraged (each Santa gets extra points for managing to flatten the other Santa by the power of their belly alone).

There used to be more rules, including obligatory arrival by slay, but these were eliminated when Boxing Day matches were transferred from Alaska down to sunnier lands. I am unable to specify exactly where in California the event takes place – had to sign a waver at arrival – but given that I am currently in and around Sierra Nevada, I’m sure you can do the math.

My favourite part of the match is the size of the gloves. Unlike regular boxing matches where gloves of a “fair-size” are used, Santa boxing gloves resembles a bloated pair of mittens laced up around the wrists.

Now for the commentary!

Boxing ChristmasCom: LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!! Good evening Santas and Santa guests and welcome to tonight’s boxing match. It’ll be the classic do-over you’ve all been training for all year! 

In the red corner, weighing in at 278 pounds and the undisputed world champion the Santa known only as FLUFFY… And in the white corner weighing in at 301 pounds 5 ounces iiiiiit’s Claus ‘the baby’ Crush! 

Tonight’s prize? The Golden Slay Award!

Ref: I want a good clean fight between you two. Nothing below the belly. Good pluck to you both. (bell rings)

Com: Well… Claus ‘the baby’ Crush has the first hook of the day. Look at Fluffy bobbing! 

Com 2: He’s definitely showing early dominance against Fluffy. That’s some prize winning footwork right there. Ouch! That’s gotta hurt. He’s caught  Fluffy totally off guard.

Com: Early days and it looks like Fluffy’s going for… NOOO That’s his belly-butting signature move. No Santa’s ever been able to recover from it. Claus ‘the baby’ Crush is flat out! Here’s for the count-down. Can he make it back up?!

Com 2: Claus ‘the baby’ Crush is back up and it looks like he’s angry. We all know what that means! Crush is having a field day here, he’s just laying into him left, right and centre. Fluffy’s getting a right royal boxing lesson. Ha! Crush seems to have hit an early knockout blow!

Com: Fluffy hits the canvas! Rock bottom! Lucky he’s got a cushy one to land on.

Ref: one .two…three…four…five…six….sev –

Com: What’s this? What’s this? Fluffy’s on his knees and… he’s up! He might have it up hill from here, though. Look at that! Amazing. He pays Crush back with interest.

Com 2: Fluffy is pounding into Claus ‘the baby’ Crush. That’ll see him wailing in no time. Fluffy definitely has the upper hand at the moment. What a move! 

Com: He’s smashed ‘the baby’!

Ref: one! two! three! four! five! six!

Com 2: … getting up! I don’t believe it, I simply just can’t believe it.

Ref: Seven!!!

Com: Fluffy’s done it again! He’s beaten Claus ‘the baby’ Crush!

(bell rings)

Ref: I give you …still the undefeated champion Fluuuuufy!

Com: WOW Is anyone good enough to take the Golden Slay from Fluffy? Doesn’t look like it. Good night and a Happy Boxing Day to you all!

On the eve…

On the eveI swerved into the bend of the road and stopped. Completely lost, trapped by a curtain of snow. Four pm and already the scenery was immersed in gloom. It was a guessing game where the road stopped and the fields began. How was I supposed to find the village Emily had anchored in?

I must have taken a wrong exit at some point, but when? The flat light made it impossible to keep my bearings even on busy roads, leave apart in the countryside. Suddenly, surprising my friend with an impromptu Christmas visit no longer seemed like such a good idea.

“Driver takes last breath in the middle of idyllic scenery” was one headline that did not feature in my plans, at least not yet. Certainly not the ‘till death do us part’ I  envisaged when he proposed last summer.

I had to slow down, my vision impaired by a rush of tears. Breathe. Argh! I promised myself to be good about this. Happier thoughts… Think happier thoughts.

George staring in dismay at his shredded suits – George getting a nasty surprise from gelled underwear – George coughing his lungs out after taking a swig from any of the chilli powdered drinks in the fridge – George jumping around the house with bleeding toes after trying to get into his stupid, brilliantly-trapped-by-me shoes – George cheating on me. Merry Christmas to me.